It was foolish of me to do what I've done for as long as I did, but you see; that's the thing... It wasn't what I did that was bad! It was the awfulness that occurred after it was done. I pace the floor while the lights are off in my room! As I lay underneath the covers in my bed; my inner voice questions me... Asking what on earth was I thinking and how could I have been so thoughtless and so careless!!!? It's just like the moment that christians, muslims, and the bible says is going to happen at the end of the world. The one about judgement day and god's decision of where the souls shall spend eternity. From what I've read and from what I've heard; everyone has to pay their debt. We will stand before Jesus and he will call our names individually! When each of us are addressed in the afterlife; we must step forward and be judged for every wrong action that we've made. I'm not sure if I doubt it or believe it, but this is exactly how it seems! I feel I am being scolded, and I feel ashamed; every time the little voice in my head asks me those questions, or any other type of question that is accusable and manipulative! The questioning is much farther than a regular typical interrogation! It's not a simple gesture of kindness or politely asking something out of curiosity, and it's definitely not the solicitousness of wanting to know what the problem is; in order to give some sort of good advice. It is none of these things, unfortunately! The voice judges me and points the finger at me; instead of helping me make the right choice or helping me learn from my mistakes; as a conscience is supposed to do! I am beginning to reach the sense that maybe it's not really a conscience. It could be the devil; disguising himself as my conscience! Everything that is connected to me; somehow revolves around him! For years; he has been interfering with my destiny! He controls my life and has access to everything in my life; including my body and my mind. Every single day; he violates me for his own sick amusement and god watches what he does as he sits comfortably in his royal seat in the kingdom of heaven and allows him to get away with it! Everywhere I turn; the devil is there. It has always been this way, so technically it wouldn't be a major shock and it wouldn't surprise me; if it were Lucifer and not a real conscience. The role of a conscience is to inform you. It warns you of the possibilities and the impossibilities; or either the dangers and the results of the choices that you choose. It also reminds you of things that you did; and things that you have once previously said, experienced, or witnessed. A flashback is your brain's way of putting clues together; to better understand something, and to find a conclusion, or solve a difficult situation! That is what it is naturally designed to do. A conscience should never worry you, threaten you, lie to you, scare you, provoke you, blame you for the terrible stuff that happened you, or make you wish you were dead...And it should not act arrogant or superior to you and cause you to be stressed out! Only the devil and society does this!!!! I don't know anything or anyone else who would stoop so low. They are the ones that hurt people and carry a godly and a perfectionist mentality! This obnoxious "so called" conscience of mine; is a pain in the neck! It keeps rubbing all of my mistakes in my face like a broken record; and it keeps bringing awful memories to my attention, and things that pisses me off! The harassment lasts for several hours. Some days; it gets to the point where I become agitated and lose my temper! The one particular mistake that it won't let me forget; out of all the mistakes I have ever made; is the fact that I used to be a social person!!! I would do anything to stop him from bugging me about this. Yes I am 100 percent comprehensible!!! I acknowledge that part of it was my fault. HOW MANY TIMES DOES HE NEED TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME? I GET IT ALREADY!!! I know that I never should've tried to make friends, but wait... That's not all of it! I'm not finished yet. I never should've trusted people, I never should've helped people, I never should've cared about people, I never should've shared my secrets with the people that I befriended, I never should've believed what people told me, I never should've called out for help, I never should've went to public school when I was a child and a teenager, I never should've put myself around other people in a public setting, I never should've tried to meet new people, I never should've introduced myself to anyone, and I never should've lived with my family when I was growing up or the years after I had gotten older!
My social life is permanently over! I am not allowed to chat with anyone, I am not allowed to hang out with anyone, I am not allowed to text anyone, I am not allowed to read comments on the Internet, I am not allowed to work a job unless it is something I can do from home, and I'm not allowed to talk on the phone or video chat. I have to stay away from people and live a private sheltered life until the curse is removed; otherwise it is going to continue happening forever and ever! Other than screwing with my health, delaying my blessings, and making things extra hard for me; I observe how it affects people's behavior and their attitude towards me! People can not speak to me without catching an attitude, or raising their voice and screaming to the top of their lungs. They can not see me, hear me; or approach me without laughing hysterically for no logical reason...Even when I haven't said anything or done anything hilarious!!! They can not hold a pleasant conversation with me without saying things that are rude, ignorant, insulting, and inconsiderate. They can not be in my presence without trying to physically harm me and put their hands on me. They can not look at me without giving me "cold hearted" facial expressions, or staring at me as if I'm some kind of weird looking alien from another planet! They can't be nice to me for one second, they can't act like they have common sense, they can't talk about me behind my back without telling lies, or speaking bad of me, and they can't behave like a normal human being instead of a psycho maniac. What I find strange is that they don't do any of this nonsense to anyone else; except for me. It's always me! Me, me, me, me, me!!! Nobody else but me! They are usually on their best behavior with every person in the world; but they save their BS for me to tolerate and their trash for me to clean up!!! I still haven't gotten an answer from god. He never showed me anything and he never gave me a dream or a sign! All I can do is remain clueless and hope that eventually he will fix this madness and this chaos, but in the meantime; I am taking matters in my own hands. Being withdrawn is my way of ending it and so far; everything has been great. Lately I haven't had many social problems since I went silent and since I disengaged!!! If I am not willingly interacting with anyone; the curse loses its power! It won't be able to send monstrous people to come after me, or possess the minds of those that are human; and turn them against me or make them act foolish! The monstrous people are not literally people. They're demons that were summoned by Satan! When the devil selects his group of servants; he orders them to cross over from hell and into the world of the living. They pose as human beings, in order to blend in with society; so they complete can the devil's commission. The assignment is to enter my life, spoil my mood, set out traps and obstacles for me, and milk me dry; till there's nothing left to feed! Once they're done causing me so much pain; the final thing to do is to kill me... But from what I can determine; all of the people who are not a monster; appear to be fine; as long as I'm not around them or talking to them! They don't become possessed till after they see me or come near me and speak to me! The curse turns them into idiots and hotheads. Through my eagerness to socialize and communicate; that is how it was assaulting me socially!
I owe myself a huge apology. No amount of words can make up for the happiness I have lost! If I could say sorry a billion times; I would do it. I am only apologizing for not finding out sooner. My apologies are for that reason and nothing else! I'm not apologizing for the way society thinks of me, or what they're doing to me, and how they feel about me. I am not responsible for the rage and the negativity that they're aiming at me. It isn't my fault. The devil is to blame for all of this! People are not pissed off at me or dislike me because of who I am as a person or because of something that I may've said or did, but of course, that is what they are trying to make it look like. In general; it honestly doesn't matter what I do, what I say, or what type of opinion or personality that I have. Whether it is positive or the opposite of positive.... They are still going to hate my guts and abuse me because it's not me that they're angry with! It's the curse itself. They see the curse on me and it's making them go crazy. They don't know why they are trying to destroy me or why they hate me, but they're just doing it. No therapist, psychologist, family member, or random person can give me the excuse that it is something wrong with me or that I am doing something to make people misbehave and mistreat me! That is a bunch of bologna and I'm not believing it!!! I am certain that this is not true because I wasn't always dysfunctional. A long time ago; I used to be a healthy happy "kind hearted" individual, and guess what? I was being treated the same way I am being treated; as of now. The hostility and rejection from society; did not begin after I started becoming odd, traumatized, pessimistic, and defensive! People were ugly to me back then, and they are still disgusting to today, so that is how I know I am not the problem. Wherever I go and whatever I do; it is always going to be the same stupid crap!
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