I can not explain how it feels or what it's like to have a life and not be alive; at the same time. For me it was the other way around! I've been alive since the day I was born, but I never actually lived or had a life. Everything was taken from me! I was stripped naked, shamed for my emptiness, pushed around like a slave, judged for my mistakes, held hostage as a prisoner, dragged across the floor like an object instead of a human being, criticized because of my flaws and my deficiencies, lost in a cyclic pattern of misfortune, accused for things that I haven't done, humiliated and laughed at like a comedy show, people ignoring me on purpose and not understanding me or taking me seriously, and both my name and my reputation covered in trash..filth...lies...and misconceptions! Out of all the guys and girls I have known and connected with; neither of them are no longer speaking to me. The second I started to become attached and as soon as I started to like them; they abandoned me! Some dissapeared by choice and some were by fault, but the majority of the time; it was me who decided to leave! It wasn't because I was too picky or because my standards were over the top!!! I personally do not care about expectations. A friend is just a friend; whether it is a best friend, an acquaintance, or a person to talk to when you are tense or bored!!! Nothing more; nothing less! They deceived me, manipulated me, took advantage of me, played with my emotions, and made me think that they loved me and appreciated me. They were smiling in my face and stabbing me in the back. That is why I left! I was tragically devastated and if you can believe it; some of them were hurting me spiritually; as well as physically. Not all of them praised or believed in Jesus Christ!!! A few of my old friends were acolytes of Satan. They worshiped the devil and they relied on the power of voodoo, hoodoo, and witchcraft. It was how dealt with their problems, how they bonded with Lucifer, and how they were able to think and function properly! They could not survive or compose themselves without engaging in the black arts. Jesus wasn't their god; as they claimed!!! They targeted me and used their demonic practices to damage me and poison me! They were secretly doing it in the dark and behind closed doors!!! There wasn't a day that went by; when they did not cast evil spells over me. I never knew what was going on until the very last minute. I would always find out late because for some strange reason; the truth only came to the surface; after we had gotten deeper into the friendship and after we had gotten fully acquainted with each other! It was usually in the middle or somewhere close to the end. That was the moment they loved the most! Once they exposed their true personality; I saw who they really were and then I realized they were not as pleasant as they appeared to be; when we first met.
Every time I developed a passion or a hobby, and every time I ran across a possession that I wanted; I had to experience several unbearable challenges in order to accomplish it, but the saddest part is that; even after going through the trouble, I still didn't get what I desired. It was as if the obstacles were for nothing! Half of my dreams have not been pursed; simply because I do not financially have what I need to successfully "carry out" my plans; and also because my enemies won't stop ruining my chances of achieving anything wonderful!!! It's the curse's fault and my enemies' fault! The curse that was passed down to me through family generations is another source to blame for my adversities. Not the fabricated accusation of a lazy freeloader or an uneducated weakling; as the world presumes of me! I can never get anything with ease and nothing ever works out for me. Whenever I try to move foward; I fall all the way to the bottom and I end up back to square one again. Another awful heartbreaking fact and manifestation that I've noticed is that anyone besides myself is society's favorite person!!! Nothing about no one else is ever wrong or ugly in the eyes of humanity. People encourage everything they choose to do, they agree with any little thing they say; no matter what it is, and they take their words into consideration and follow behind their footsteps! Everyone except for me is the life of the party and a breath of fresh air. They're seen as beautiful darling angels who couldn't hurt a fly!!! It isn't hard for them to make people like them and accept them; as it is for me!! The second they speak or enter a room; everyone cheeses and shakes their hand and gives them hugs and positive feedback but as soon as I show up or open my mouth and say something; I am introduced to the cold shoulder. Living and being alive are indistinctive! They're unalike but similar in some ways! To be alive is to be able to move, breathe, eat, and wake up everyday. If you can do all of those things; that means you are very much alive!!! To live; on the other hand, is to have a life for yourself....Such as having fun, having a soulmate, having a victorious career, having interesting things to do, having a decent group of friends, and being able to accomplish each and every one of your goals! Would you prefer a second definition? Or is this clear enough? Can you see how far apart they are and how much they differ from each other??? Alive is physicality mixed with consciousness, and living is satisfaction mixed with activeness. Now that I've broken it down for you and now that you know the difference; you can stop telling me to appreciate what I have and stop warning me that the situation could be a lot worse!!! The next time you hear someone say they wish they had a life; you do not need to state the obvious and remind them that they're not dead, or assume they are ungrateful. Unappreciativeness does not apply to the phrase, "I wish I had a life"... Plus you sound irrelevant!! As a suggestion, you should think before you say anything; otherwise save your breath. I'm not listening to a bunch of un-pertained rubbish, and by the way; how can you be so sure that things are not already worse for me??? You do not live with me twenty four seven, you're not inside of my body or inside of my mind to determine how I feel, and you have no idea what I've been through or what I am experiencing right now as we speak. Being alive and not living; induces a blank "half dead" sensation!! It's like you're there and not there at the same time. A small part of you is helplessly sitting in the passenger's seat or standing on the sidelines; watching the other half; live your life for you; while you quietly observe and do absolutely nothing! You sleep for hours and hours everyday and wake up feeling like you haven't gotten any sleep at all. What is sleep; if you were asleep before you closed your eyes? You were asleep when were awake and you are sleeping when you are asleep. You step out into the sunlight on a sunny day and you can't feel the heat; because on the inside; you are cold like the ice and the snow outside; during the winter season. You socialize with people; hoping that their liveliness will influence you in a positive way but rather than what you had hoped, they do the complete opposite. They're supposed to be lifting you up from your misery... Not letting you continue to stay miserable, or looking down on you and pitying you because of your sadness and your mishaps!!! Despite the numbness that you feel, and despite not having a life; at least you will have the opportunity to invent a life and add structure to this existence that you've created from scratch! On the bright side, you can envision a life while you are lifeless; so that way; when the time comes for you to awaken and start living like everyone else; you are already going to know what you want and how you want it to be! When you are fully prepared; you never have to worry that something will go wrong because you will have a solution for every bind and hindrance; in case things do not happen as you intended! Planning ahead is the rise of a thriving future!!!! Whichever action you make today; affects all of the days beyond! Without a present; there is no future!! The present is the remote that controls your future. Those that are living and not alive are the opposite of the people that are alive and not living, but what they share in common is that they're both partially dead! Eating food and not tasting the flavor of the food or selecting a fragrance but can not smell the scent of anything.... It is the lack of awareness and lack of stimulation that they struggle with! If have loyal friends, a loving family, a nice job, and plenty of fabulous things to enjoy...Or if you are extremely popular but still aren't satisfied and feel as if you do not have anything wonderful; that is a sign that you are not alive. You're just living!
Frustration and depression is the cause of living and not being alive and being alive and not living!!! You are psychologically committing suicide; every time you force yourself to do something that you don't wanna do and whenever you put yourself in a particular environment that is uncomfortable for you. A good helpful way to avoid being dead on the inside is to go with your gut and pay attention to what your heart says and what your conscience says! You should pick the best and not settle for worse or for second best!!!! Your first choice is likely the right choice. Stop neglecting yourself, stop second guessing yourself, stop hanging around the wrong crowd, stop cleaning up messes that you did not make, stop beating yourself up for issues that are out of your hands and things that are not your fault, stop helping other people until you help yourself first, stop buying unnecessary stuff that isn't benefiting you, stop doing what everyone tells you to do and make decisions based on your own judgment, stop doing things you know that are wrong and stupid; just because you are desperate, stop staying in places where you don't belong and where you do not wish to be, stop letting other people do the talking for you and find the courage to speak for yourself, stop disregarding your own opinion and stop agreeing or going along with what other people say; just because you are scared that they will get mad at you for objecting! Distance yourself from those that mistreat you and piss you off, get a job that you isn't difficult or depressing for you, and stop trying to please everyone else and focus on pleasing yourself! How can you make someone else happy if you are not happy? Happiness starts with yourself! There is no excuse for any of us to swim or "lie around" in sadness until the stress takes us out of this world and puts us under a tombstone in the ground; in a graveyard. Stress has murdered thousands of individuals and it will always kill for as long as we allow it to! Every complication has an ending point; just like there is a light at the end of every tunnel or a rainbow at the end of every storm. In order to come up with an idea to escape; it would require patience, calmness, and observation. If one method does not work; look for another alternative. Examine all of your options and alter your space according to your preferences!!! Your "space" is your preoccupation; which is the thing or the things that you put all of your time and your energy into. Think of that "space" as a house!!! You are not going to invite a strange person or bring something into your home that you do not like and do not approve of. You decorate the place the way you see fit, you create your own set of rules that you expect each of your guests to respect and follow every time they come over to visit, and you associate with people who care for you and love you unconditionally; without needing to step outside of your character or your comfort zone. The moral of the story is... If you wanna something, do it! If you don't wanna do it, don't it!!! If you would rather leave or if you want something to change, make a move yourself and take action! If this guy or this girl or these people are bothering you and becoming a pain in the neck; get rid of them and get away from them. If something doesn't work out; try a different approach! Live peacefully and live happily...
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